It’s just so ironic… how happy and maybe not miserable, but unhappy I am right now. Different sides of my life bring me so much joy and anguish at the same time.
This month and a half from 2009 have been both so great and so lousy… for I know the joys of being in love and even more important; the joys of being loved. She has made my life so much better by just being in it. She and her little sprout bring so much love, fun and joy to my life that it feels unreal. Every single moment with her I want it to be endless… I don’t want to ever leave her side but then again the fear of her getting tired of me manages to crawl in my brain. Even if it wasn’t to be so. Stupid human beings and our insecurities, huh?
we all have contrasts in life, don't we?
But I must admit that my spending time with her also hides and less romantic and more selfish aspect… Even though I cannot and will not deny every moment I spend with my loving muse is a century in paradise it is also a escape from the very, very cold place my bed has become. Both symbolically and literally since I do not even have a room anymore. There’s a side of me that’s as depressed as it can get but since my other side is flowing with joy from my love, it makes it almost numb, and that’s how I get by.
I don’t have a home anymore… I’m not sure how this happened but this place I live in is not my home anymore. Maybe I just grew apart from my family or maybe they simply got used to not having me here… heck! maybe it’s both. When I left to live on my own, my main purpose was to make myself; to build a true myself and good or not, I may have succeeds even without knowing. And this new myself doesn’t fit in my family’s life anymore. Never had I felt the urge I feel now to simply run away; to spend as much time as possible away from this place. And not that I don’t love them anymore; they’re my family and always will be and I love them… even if they drive me absolutely nuts, neurotic and feeling anxiety all day.
I can’t live like this much longer… this is gonna drive me nuts. I need some way to make money and build myself a house. A house where I can have the liberty to even speak and have no one shut me up. A house where I don’t have to hide in mid darkness for fear of waking someone up by just talking to a friend. A house where no one thinks I’m a freak just because I don’t live by their same “customs”.
Sometimes I wish I could just take Nela and Dany and run so far away to a place no one knows us… but that would be very selfish of me.
I can only hope my sanity (the little I have left) doesn’t leave me before I can get out of here again. In the meantime… good night, America… wherever you maybe tonight.
Say what!?